G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Posted on September 6, 2009 in Movies
When I was a kid my three favourite sets of toys were LEGOs, Transformers and then G.I. Joes. I’m not talking about the eleven and a half inch monstrosities which might as well have been Ken of Barbie fame dressed in an army uniform. I’m of course referring to the three and 3/4 inch foot soldiers based on the classic G.I. Joe cartoons and comics (A Real American Hero). Hasbro has taken it upon themselves to capitalize on my and like minded peoples childhoods, with two Transformer films under the belt and now the first G.I. Joe film.
The plot…. wait, no, the plot is simplistic and I’m not going to spend time writing it down, here is a copy paste for you:
In the near future, weapons expert James McCullen has created a nanotechnology-based weapon capable of destroying an entire city. His company MARS sells four warheads to NATO, and the U.S. Army is tasked with delivering the warheads. Duke and Ripcord are delivering the warheads when they are ambushed by the Baroness, whom Duke recognizes to be his ex-fiancee Ana Lewis. Duke and Ripcord are rescued by Scarlett, Snake Eyes and Heavy Duty. They take the warheads to The Pit, G.I. Joe’s command center in North Africa, and upon arriving rendezvous with the head of the G.I. Joe Team, General Hawk . Hawk takes command of the warheads and excuses Duke and Ripcord, only to be convinced to let them join his group after Duke reveals that he knows the Baroness. McCullen is revealed to be using the same nanotechnology to build an army of soldiers with the aid of the Doctor, planning on using the warheads to cause panic and bring about a new world order.
Now Transformers was set up in a way such that both old fans and new 12 year old fans could enjoy it. The steaming pile of garbage that is G.I. Joe does not manage to do that. I can give the movie good marks for excellent special effects and some good action scenes but that’s pretty much all it has to offer. The acting is horrid and awkward and the plot is just horrible. As an example of the daft ideas that are forced on the audience are things like the fact that NATO has a weapon of mass destruction designed, they build it in eastern Europe and then charter 14 marines to guard it as it moved to western Europe (I don’t know how many they would use in real life but it sure wouldn’t be 14). If that wasn’t enough, the bad guys are a team of 20 guys while the G.I. Joe group is 3000 Joes but only five of them are deployed at any one time so that the bad guys at least have a chance. This movie is just plainly put a direct insult on the viewers intellect and I hope it tanks hard enough so they don’t make a sequel. Pretty please, don’t see this film!
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